Four More Years, or... 44 More Years

In a horrible 2024, the US Election is Sweet Relief

It’s the election of the century… A shifting chessboard with profound consequences for a polarised, post-Truth dystopia.

As the US seems set to repeat Trump v Biden, democracy hangs in the balance like never before... and, at last - I can write an article with a few jokes!

This year has been so much “war”, “terror”, “genocide”…  I’ve had to be all serious. Ugh! But now, with election season properly underway, finally, I can write about something stupid.   

If you youngsters don't know what the US election is, every four years there’s this massive gameshow to decide who’s the worst person in America. It’s like “Would I Lie to You?” but the answer is always “yes”. Or “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” but the answer is always “no”. Much of the electorate is little better. Genuinely, 30 per cent of Republican voters say they want to bomb Agrabah, the fictional city in Disney’s Aladdin.

Regardless, apparently, I’m meant to care what happens to American democracy. They say it is a country so cursed with bad spirits it’s as though it’s built on an ancient Indian burial ground. Gee, they might be onto something there.

But, Matthew, oh no, oh no - America is divided! America is divided! Good. I swear to God, I never want to hear the words “America” and “war” in a sentence again unless it’s accompanied by “civil”. So, please, do go ahead, America - become a dictatorship, or collapse into a bloodbath, or both. Anything except wrecking the rest of our planet. You could even arrange your little fight into two all-American teams - how about The Fat versus The Thick? Or the Military versus the Woke? LOL. Oh no, they’ve launched a microaggression! Yeh, that’s the Navy Seals, love. 

What’s so infuriating about America’s domestic woes is that the rest of the world already knows how to solve them - but it won’t listen. “We want to stop kids with assault rifles shooting up schools but have to respect the second amendment!” Hmmm, I have a suggestion: anyone wanting to buy a gun first has to get shot in the head. If they still think it’s a good idea after that, they can buy any gun they like.

You do know that I don’t have to take America seriously, right? I don’t have to respect the internal psychodrama of any country that has a massive impact on my chances of survival but where I’m not even allowed to vote (or visit, probably, after this is published). Just because America has problems doesn’t mean it should make them my responsibility. The British don’t make America watch Mr. Bates vs. The Post Office. France doesn’t impose a global news story whenever it runs out of perfume or whatever France does.

Yes, America I know you say the entire world is now a battle between democracy and autocracy but (a) you’re lying and (b) you are not the world. Washington wants a permanent war economy against two other superpowers - I don’t. I know you read George Orwell’s “1984” as a foreign policy guidebook but the Brit who wrote it did so as a warning.

I was at a meeting about this the other day and asked what a New Yorker thought. She gave her opinion, naturally, then added “But I’m also on a voyage of listening”. 🤢 So, yes, American Empire, to put it in wanky arrogant language you’ll understand, why not take a very, very long voyage of listening? Like John Wayne would. Like the British did. Land of hope and glory marching us to … nothing. Do nothing. Shut up and slink away. 

Okay, okay, I’ll come clean. I do mind a bit what happens in the US. Ugh, even this topic makes me all serious and queasy. And however poor the choice, yes I’d vote Jill Stein (Green) but if it’s between Trump and Biden I actually do much prefer Trump. It really comes to something when one candidate is promising to stop World War III, while the other candidate is set to start World War III - and everyone is, like, “hmmm tricky decision”. Plus for me Joe Biden is a double threat - I’m never sure if he’ll press the button or just keel over on it.

Here, the British media seems to think that huge electoral support for Trump is inherently awful. The political shows I just caught hold that he will be “worse in his second term” because previously “he had some sensible people holding him back”. Really? People like John “Bomb Iran” Bolton? Like Mike “Bomb Iran” Pompeo? Like Mike “Bomb Iran” Pence? Seems to me like Trump was always a moderate in his own cabinet. I could also use his help with amusing nicknames tbf.

I hope Trump goes on to beat Biden in November after he defeats Nikki “Bomb Iran” Haley this week. Then I hope to God he then mostly does sit on the side-lines. I hope he fires every neoconservative and does a fantastic job.

Bi-den. I always thought you sounded like a sex dungeon, anyway - somewhere elite perverts go to sniff girls’ hair.

So, bring on the Tainted Tangerine Tyrant! Four more years, four more years - or even forty-four more years (see if I care). Maybe I can still squeeze some enjoyment from “I’m a Celebrity Big Brother” - not the show, the actual Orwellian society. 

Right, what’s next? Oh, the British election, Apparently, it’s going to be November 14th - just a week after the Yanks’. Jesus, Mary, Mother of God…