Monty Python's Bombing Circus

The Military Brass Across Britain, The US, And Europe Are Paranoid, Wrong & Weird

DO YOU remember Monty Python used to have an Army colonel played by Graham Chapman? It was a weak part of the show because Chapman’s character was just a two dimensional twit who came in to end sketches by saying things like “Stop it, that’s silly!”

Quite remarkably, though, across the Western world, this unamusing stereotype is actually alive and well in 2024 - the head of the British Army even just effectively called for conscription.

I’ve been keeping an eye on the military brass since Russia’s provoked invasion of Ukraine (sorry, obviously I meant to say Putin’s unprovoked invasion of Ukraine) and it’s striking how ridiculous they are - and how fawningly the media showcases their views.

I’ve also developed a fun new habit of looking up where they went to school. Have a guess? Yep, poncy private schools in the 1970s, typically. With buttocks vulnerable in formative years, you forever feel civilization needs its back to the wall.

A few days ago, NATO Admiral Rob Bauer said we should all buy a flashlight because we’ll be at war with Russia in 20 years. Due to the misfortune of speaking English with a Dutch accent, it sounded like he was recommending the compulsory purchase of synthetic vulvas.

What sort of weirdly specific prediction is this, anyway? First of all, no one can predict international relations in 20 years’ time and no one really tries because it’s just odd and stupid. More importantly, though, if we are going to war with Russia - and I’m not sure if Bauer has glanced through his paperwork lately - but it’s going to be this year, along with Iran, China and North Korea if Defence Secretary Grant Shapps has anything to do with it. Is carrying a torch and a “radio on batteries” really going to be sufficient to deal with a Russian invasion in 2044? It all just sounds mad.

Plus what’s actually going on with this guy’s face? The nukes haven’t landed yet - he shouldn’t be melting.

The media loves all these crazy predictions from military wonks. A small sample of headlines from The Times: “Putin’s Downfall; General Predicts Putin will Lose Everything He Gained Since 2014”; “Putin Has Gone Crazy”; “Russian Rockets Landing in Poland is ‘Significant’ Moment”. The Sun has variously gone with: “Sickly Putin will die VERY Soon”; “End Could Be Near, Says Spy Chief,” and “Sick Putin May Already Be Using Body Doubles”. Any of that happened this past two years? Nope.

Or how about the astonishing aloofness shown by The Economist front cover when it asked: “What will WW3 mean for investors”?  Whoever wrote that definitely went to private school.

A year and a half ago, highly respected US General Ben Hodges said: "Ukraine is going to win this war... Putin’s exposed weaknesses are so severe that we might be witnessing the beginning of the end – not only of his regime, but of the Russian Federation itself." He emphasised that The Russian Army's humiliation "is now almost complete" and that Russian men "are shunning recruitment en masse". He also speculated about a Chechen rebellion.

None of this happened. None of it looks likely to happen - ever.

Hodges 𝑛𝑜𝑤 𝑠𝑎𝑦𝑠 that the "tipping point" in Ukraine (not even the victory point) is not six months, or several years away. In fact, he 𝑛𝑜𝑤 𝑠𝑎𝑦𝑠 he doesn't know when it'll be because he doesn't know what Russians think. Hodges now suggests that the war in Ukraine might persist “for quite some time” due to Putin's ability to recruit fighters from other regions, a stark contrast to his earlier projections.

I agree with Hodges on one thing; his concern about how a Russian defeat would play out "in a country that has considerable stockpiles of nuclear weapons”. The difference between Hodges and me is that he advocates for hurtling headlong into such a doomsday scenario. It's of little relief that his predictions were sufficiently delusional that they have not come to pass.

I had no idea who would win the war in Ukraine. I am not a military strategist. But I do know that whenever a great power goes to war, even if they lose it always takes years, can easily spiral out of control, and high casualty figures are probable. That’s happened already in Ukraine with hawks estimating hundreds of thousands of Russian casualties (and fewer Ukrainians), and doves estimating hundreds of thousands of Ukrainian casualties (and fewer Russians). Who knows? Either way, it’s a bloodbath with no end in sight.

Colonel Hamish Stephen de Bretton-Gordon (ah, yes, Tonbridge boarding school) spends ten minutes in this video explaining how NATO will have to defend its members from an emboldened Putin, then he drops this telling remark right at the end:- "If things don't change in the next few weeks and months NATO might have to get boots on the ground". In order words, *we* will escalate the conflict by placing our soldiers in harm's way. And *then* Putin will respond.

So, what next for these stupid soothsayers now that their Ukraine war is at a stalemate - or outright lost? Sophistry, of course. The West must win in Ukraine, solemnly intones Niall Ferguson (private school, Scotland), lest our entire credibility be destroyed - forgetting that this absurd construction of strength has already been ditched as recently as 2021 when Biden pussied out of the fight against the Taliban. If the West’s enemies really need to take comfort in its willingness to run away in defeat, it’s not difficult - most blatantly, we vacated Vietnam (1975), legged it from Lebanon (1984), scarpered from Somalia (1994), and absconded from Afghanistan (2021).

“We gave Russians so much time to put in their defences,” laments Hodges. Ah yes, the real problem is *always* that we didn't go in violently enough. We would have won! If only we'd immediately gone absolutely apeshit at the Russians, ignored public opinion, militarised the entire European continent, established a no-fly zone, and mobilised every arms company for the war effort! Victory was oh so agonisingly close! but we’ll win next year - in 2023! Or 2024! Or 2025! Or 2044!

There’s a lot of outrage over these issues. At the end of the day, I don’t think military men are evil. If I had playground bottom problems, maybe I’d be similarly demented. In fact, if I was an Israeli I’d probably have gone a bit bonkers after October 7th. But understanding why people tweak out or go berserk is not the same as endorsing their behaviour.

The first and only time I’ve ever cried about a hard news story was when Russia invaded Ukraine. Those tears required no context or human interest angle. This is because simply the stark fact of what Russia did in February 2022, just like what Israel has subsequently done this past few months, contain no exit strategies but rather clear pathways to global war. That’s unprecedented in my lifetime.

De-escalation seems impossible for a class of men so clearly enmeshed in their own trauma. There’s also a real risk with such men that they will lose their minds on a nuclear submarine, or any number of other roads to Armageddon. There’s a reason we keep these prats out of political office. They are f—-ed up by war, driven by unexamined feelings, and they’re often wildly wrong. As Chapman would say, “Stop it, that’s silly.”